Tag: faith

Changes

by Rhobie Toussaint, posted in Experience

Do you ever think about the person you used to be? 

As we go through this life, many of us go through a series of phases and changes. These can be marked by milestones like getting that first job, graduating college, or starting a family. Or perhaps, there was a version of yourself that felt jaded because of heartbreak, loss, or betrayal. Those kinds of shifts, in my opinion, take the most work to recover from.

Do you ever wake up with an epiphany about your worldview? Or have a series of reflections during your shower that leave you stepping out of the bathroom feeling brand new? Has there ever been a word said, an action taken, or a challenge that made you realize that maybe, just maybe, something about you has changed? 

Sometimes I think about the different versions of myself. I think about little Rhobie who was oddly joyous and vibrant amidst a chaotic life. She would always get a little frustrated after working hard to bring a “B” to an “A” for her next school report card, only to then see a “B” for another class. She just wanted straight A’s and to get a certificate for principal’s honor roll. She also probably bragged a little too much.  

I think about the version of Rhobie who loved the idea of love in theory, but actually letting someone in her heart was something she could not have been less interested in. She just wanted to have fleeting crushes and sing new songs at church every Sunday. 

I think about all the times I thought I knew what I wanted but learned the hard way that those things could lead to my detriment. I think about all the late nights I looked at my ceiling, hoping that God would make the lightbulb in my head turn on so that I could choose from the two options I was torn between. He later gave me the realization that perhaps the reason I was so torn was because I, like many others, was guilty of trying to have my cake and eat it too. I still struggle with indecisiveness, but once I truly shifted my focus to Him and living a life that wasn’t fueled by instant gratification, some of those hard decisions suddenly didn’t seem so hard anymore. It still takes me forever to figure out what I want for dinner, but that feels insignificant now that I understand part of my purpose: to leave people and places better than how I found them by loving God and loving others. 

I think about the friends I made who were willing to have the uncomfortable, yet thought-provoking and necessary conversations that supported my growth. They reminded me to trust the process even when I could not yet see the light at the end of the tunnel. They cautioned me against building emotional walls so high that I become less gracious and forget how to take chances. Through all of it though, they supported me. That means more than words can ever express. 

I think about the person I used to be and how even though some parts of me are the same, so much has changed. I’m learning to be open to new possibilities, even when they don’t align with my original timelines. I’m working to unlearn habits of fear, “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Tim. 1:7). I’m making a concerted effort to not abandon grace, whether it’s towards myself or someone else. Trying to become a better version of oneself is a daily practice. It’s challenging, but so worth it.

Change can be uncomfortable and beautiful and scary and life changing. Growing pains 100% exist. But when I think about the person I used to be, and the person I am becoming, and all of the joy and the pain that happened in between, I cannot help but feel grateful. The life-altering moments, the radical encounters, the chaos, the discomfort, the people I met along the way, the ebbs and flows in my relationship with God — none of it was in vain. 

A year from now, I’ll probably be thinking about 2025 Rhobie and all the ways her story has evolved. For now, however, we acknowledge the past, embrace the present, and navigate the changes that are unfolding something meaningful for the future. 

(DMV) Anniversary

by Rhobie Toussaint, posted in Experience

June 19 made two years of me living in the Washington metropolitan area.

At this point, I have lived in DC, Virginia, and Maryland, which still feels so surreal. I can remember June 19, 2023 like it was yesterday. I remember landing in DC around 10 or 11am and walking up to the house of my friend, Deborah, in Maryland with two suitcases and my purple JanSport backpack. I remember the pancakes and scrambled eggs Deborah’s mom made for me after telling her husband that the boiled plantain he was trying to serve me was not an acceptable option for my breakfast. I spent much of the day at their home before Deborah’s father took me to my apartment in Virginia. I didn’t know it then, but that was the summer that would bring Deborah and I closer and strengthen our friendship. 

What was supposed to start out as a 10-week stint as a State Department intern turned into me finishing college online while completing four more internships between September 2023 and December 2024 following my internship at State. And if that wasn’t enough, I started my first “big-girl job” in DC within a month of graduating. Sometimes I sit and think about how much my life has changed, and how through it all, God has sustained me. 

The past couple of years have been filled with many milestones, moments of joys, highs and lows, seasons of confusion, and periods of me simply just trying to make it through the next day. I found community. I reflected on what I wanted out of this season of life. I had to trust that everything would work out even when I did not know what internship I would secure next. For the first time in my life, I had to navigate grieving a loved one and trying to support others who lost someone. I’m not sure if I always did a great job at either. I had moments filled with anxiety and others with unexplainable peace. I cried. I laughed. I tried brunch spots and learned how to cook new things. I had weekend sleepovers, during which secrets were exchanged, bonds were built, and memories were made. 

There aren’t enough words to explain everything I have felt and experienced throughout my time here. Nonetheless, I am thankful. The unconventional transition I made with a seemingly impromptu move to the DMV has both taught me and reminded me of so much. I’d like to share a few of these lessons with you all: 

– What’s for you is for you. Everything always falls into place, even if that happens after pure chaos. Do you part and God will take care of the rest. 

– A little bit of faith goes a long way. Radical faith, however, can move mountains. 

– Neglecting your health and well-being is not the answer, even if it is sometimes easier said than done. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Also, burnout sucks. 

– Take the time to learn yourself, your values, and your non-negotiables. Then, stick by them (while allowing room for growth and change). 

I’ve learned so much and I am still learning. Though this journey is not always easy, I would not trade these past two years for anything. I thank God for every single day, each friend I made, each roommate I lived with, every new place I visited, the moments that required perseverance, and everything in between. 

DC, Maryland, and Virginia: you have all been good to me. I’m looking forward to what my future in this place holds.

Within Me

by Rhobie Toussaint, posted in Creative Writing

I found love within myself. 

It wasn’t something that was easy or happened overnight, but rather took a lot of patience and a lot of time. It was countless days of telling myself that what happened was not completely my fault. It was nights of reminding myself that I am capable of being loved. I am worthy of being loved, even if the words of others suggested otherwise. 

It took time for me to understand that trying to find fulfillment in others never end well. People leave, and when they do, I am left with my own self — my self to work on, my self to appreciate, my self to love. 

I taught myself how to love again. 

Not desperately for I risk not being valued, and not helplessly for I could end up loving someone I never should’ve. I had to teach myself that it’s crucial to know my worth and to respect myself. And the same respect I have for myself is the same respect I deserve from anyone who claims to love me.

I had to truly understand that I must love myself fully, before I try to love another. I had to understand that the only way to know how someone else should love me is if I know how to love myself first. 

I found faith within myself again. 

Faith, and hope, that the last time will not be like the next because of what has changed in my life and what has changed in me. It will get better because I will not let myself remain on the ground. It won’t be the same experience next time because now I know. I know that the pain I feel is temporary. I know now how to treat myself. I know that if I don’t have hope, and if I do not have faith, then there is nothing to hold on to anymore. 

I learned how to love again. 

I learned how to love myself again. 

I reminded myself to hold on to hope, and to hold on to faith. 

And I couldn’t be prouder of who I’ve become.

 

I suppose that this piece is a different version of the one I posted last week. A friend of mine told me that people are often in the mindset that someone else has to save them. I personally can recall times when someone else has helped me through a difficult situation, but I think it’s important for people to understand that it doesn’t always have to be that way. You don’t always have to wait for the knight in shining armor or someone to dig you out of the hole. 

In life, there will (or at least that has been the case for me) be people who help you along the way, but never forget the power that you have in yourself.

Pure

by Rhobie Toussaint, posted in Creative Writing

You taught me what it’s like to truly be loved.  

You showed me that it goes beyond saying “I love you” and a few kind words, but is demonstrated through actions. You were never condescending to me, nor did you ever mock or belittle me. You uplifted me, constantly encouraging me to try my hardest, and to always recognize how far I’ve come.

You stayed even when I was at my lowest, even when you were upset, even when the situation seemed nearly hopeless. You didn’t leave. Instead, you assured me that you weren’t going anywhere, and you handled each seemingly hopeless situation with diligence. 

I don’t have to assume that you love me, I know you do. I see it through your care for me, through your patience, through your loyalty. 

You taught me how to love again. 

Not recklessly, desperately, or helplessly, but to love and have respect for myself, and to love someone who has respect for me. You reminded me to love fully, but before I do, to know whether or not what, or who, it is that I’m about to love is good for me or is worth it. 

“Understand this,” you told me. “When you give your all into something or someone, it will not always be easy. Some days will be significantly more difficult than others. Make sure that who you are loving, and what you put your energy in is not simply draining you or bringing you down.” 

I carry those words with me until this very day.  

You reminded me to have hope and faith. 

You emphasized that the broken heart of mine will not remain the same forever, and that even though it is broken, I am not. You helped me understand that we are all subject to hurt and pain, but we must not dwell on it, but rather grow from it, and to have faith that it will get better. 

You taught me love. True love. Pure love.

You reminded me not to neglect faith, and not to neglect hope. 

And for that, you will never be forgotten. 

This creative writing piece isn’t necessarily about a personal experience of mine, but I do feel that the lessons the character learned from the other are lessons that we should all learn, if it something not known already.    

To have love that is pure, I think, is such as beautiful thing. Growth, to me, is also beautiful. 

Believe

by Rhobie Toussaint, posted in Creative Writing

They said she couldn’t. They thought she wouldn’t. Yet she believed.

She believed in herself even when no one else did.

Day after day, she put 110 percent in every task she completed, her work, and her craft.

Day after day, she received criticism.

Day after day, she received judgment.

She took the words within each critique to improve.

She used the judgement as motivation.

She didn’t hesitate to take on the world, with faith and hope helping her every step of the way.

She believed, for she had nothing to prove to the world,

But everything to prove to herself.