Do you ever think about the person you used to be?
As we go through this life, many of us go through a series of phases and changes. These can be marked by milestones like getting that first job, graduating college, or starting a family. Or perhaps, there was a version of yourself that felt jaded because of heartbreak, loss, or betrayal. Those kinds of shifts, in my opinion, take the most work to recover from.
Do you ever wake up with an epiphany about your worldview? Or have a series of reflections during your shower that leave you stepping out of the bathroom feeling brand new? Has there ever been a word said, an action taken, or a challenge that made you realize that maybe, just maybe, something about you has changed?
Sometimes I think about the different versions of myself. I think about little Rhobie who was oddly joyous and vibrant amidst a chaotic life. She would always get a little frustrated after working hard to bring a “B” to an “A” for her next school report card, only to then see a “B” for another class. She just wanted straight A’s and to get a certificate for principal’s honor roll. She also probably bragged a little too much.
I think about the version of Rhobie who loved the idea of love in theory, but actually letting someone in her heart was something she could not have been less interested in. She just wanted to have fleeting crushes and sing new songs at church every Sunday.
I think about all the times I thought I knew what I wanted but learned the hard way that those things could lead to my detriment. I think about all the late nights I looked at my ceiling, hoping that God would make the lightbulb in my head turn on so that I could choose from the two options I was torn between. He later gave me the realization that perhaps the reason I was so torn was because I, like many others, was guilty of trying to have my cake and eat it too. I still struggle with indecisiveness, but once I truly shifted my focus to Him and living a life that wasn’t fueled by instant gratification, some of those hard decisions suddenly didn’t seem so hard anymore. It still takes me forever to figure out what I want for dinner, but that feels insignificant now that I understand part of my purpose: to leave people and places better than how I found them by loving God and loving others.
I think about the friends I made who were willing to have the uncomfortable, yet thought-provoking and necessary conversations that supported my growth. They reminded me to trust the process even when I could not yet see the light at the end of the tunnel. They cautioned me against building emotional walls so high that I become less gracious and forget how to take chances. Through all of it though, they supported me. That means more than words can ever express.
I think about the person I used to be and how even though some parts of me are the same, so much has changed. I’m learning to be open to new possibilities, even when they don’t align with my original timelines. I’m working to unlearn habits of fear, “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Tim. 1:7). I’m making a concerted effort to not abandon grace, whether it’s towards myself or someone else. Trying to become a better version of oneself is a daily practice. It’s challenging, but so worth it.
Change can be uncomfortable and beautiful and scary and life changing. Growing pains 100% exist. But when I think about the person I used to be, and the person I am becoming, and all of the joy and the pain that happened in between, I cannot help but feel grateful. The life-altering moments, the radical encounters, the chaos, the discomfort, the people I met along the way, the ebbs and flows in my relationship with God — none of it was in vain.
A year from now, I’ll probably be thinking about 2025 Rhobie and all the ways her story has evolved. For now, however, we acknowledge the past, embrace the present, and navigate the changes that are unfolding something meaningful for the future.
Inside an Optimist's Mind 